ROVER 45

Okay, first things first... just in case you don't get to the end of this review I'll tell you now: if you are thinking of buying one of these cars, even just the mereset thought of going to check one out in your local showroom....... well DON'T.

Right, now thats out of the way lets get on with the review. The Rover 45 was a hire car that I acquired for - thank God - just a couple of days. Not sure what specification it was. My copy of Autocar tells me that there are overa dozen different variants so for simplicitys sake lets give Rover the benefit of the doubt and just say that the one I had was the shittiest.

Looks like a classic eh ? Thoroughbred heritage and old-school traditional values wrapped up in a quality package that simply oozes brand kudos and class..... right ? You can see from the picture that the Rover is one seriously ugly git. Its not classy, its just plain rotten. Metallic Blue with chrome detailing is a bulletproof colour scheme for a road car but the 45 is a complete shit. On the open road, this don't get any better either - with a 0-60 of 32 seconds this car has less road presence than a 900cc mini Metro.

From a styling point of view the 45 has not one redeeming feature to speak of and well, to put it simply, its not a car you would arrive in in order to impress or make your mark in any way. Although you need to walk round this thing in the flesh to witness the full total horror of its shape and looks, take it from me, driving round in something this wretched will inspire contempt in your fellow man. You WILL lose friends.

Right, now I know what your thinking ......those alloys that you see may appear as if they're the latest 8 spoke split-rim incarnation from OZ wheels. But i tell you here and now that they aren't. In fact they're plastic and whats more, although the Rover badge looks like a cover to the bolts, its not. The way to do it is to just rip the plastic wheel off of the rim with just your bare hands. Okay, so the unsprung weight might play an advantage here midway through the Craner curves but it sure does look shit.

So how does it drive you're wondering... or perhaps you're not ? Well, i'll tell you this now, it doesn't really drive. It just sort of floats, ambles if you like. If you thought that a BMW Z3 lacked steering feel and general connectivity then think again. The Rover 45 gives new deeper meaning to the word "remote", so much so that after 3 minutes in the car you begin to realise just how dangerous this monstrousity is. Pick up a bit of speed and to your sheer disgust you begin to discover that the car seems to travel in very dubious directions that seem completely at odds with your steering inputs. High speed stability is definitely not this vehicles trump card !

Another word of warning... I categorically do NOT advise braking in the Rover 45 from any speed exceeding 40mph. If you are on the Motorway for example the best thing is to plan real far ahead when you want to turn off so that you can coast down to around 30mph on the slip road before pressing the brakes at all. Ths car can and will do all sorts of lethal things when you brake from moderate speeds so best just pretend that the brake was only intended for town driving and leave it at that. If you really need to stop quickly from say 80mph, I would advise crashing into something big and heavy. At least it will be a controlled crash and you know in advance where you'll approximately end up.

Look at that suspension. Its new alright, the car had only covered 6 miles when I picked it up. I guess you're probably thinking that we're talking rose jointed here and double wishbones upper and lower ? Well look at the picture again, the lower arm is in fact made out of sheet metal and that damper just lodges into a block of wood thats just out of the picture. Remember the rear wheel on a Grifter ? .... same system here, just using slightly wider tyres.

So onto the corners then. Well to be honest with you the 45 doesn't know what a corner is. Somehow, dont ask me how, you get round but as you do the steering takes on a higher level of custard blamanche and makes you feel sick inside. Trying to tease out the general dynamic of the car when pushed in a bend is difficult... its not that it initially oversteers or transfers to oversteer on a closed throttle or anything like that, its just one big mess so you can't really work out whats going on at all. The best advice is not to take the Rover to the track at all.

Check out that interior. Thats not wood you see though, its a cross between lino and the transparent stuff thats used to stick tax disc holders to windscreens. It may look like an Aston Martin from this compressed jpeg but I assure you that its not. You can probably see the seats -notice how they look like giant lilos. Thats exactly what they feel like as well when sitting in them. The gearstick action continues the rubbery trend with a throw thats around 3 feet long from say 2nd to 3rd. Quick and slick gearchanges are NOT this cars forte. Oh and don't let all those dials fool you... thats the mistake I first made. The rev counter is actually a dummy, it doesn't work and always reads around 2000 and same goes for the oil temperature and the radio. I know, hard to believe on a car costing this much but they're all fake.

I could go on about the interior but suffice to say that this is not a space where you would choose to spend any proportion of your waking life... on the contrary, its hugely depressing in there and any journey over 10 minutes is like a complete denouncement of everything that is fun, enjoyable and pleasurable about life. If you ever have chance to ride in a Rover 45 such as this then I truly pity you.

The engine of the Rover 45 seems to be quite revy. Of course you don't increase speed when it revs - that would be too much to ask - but it does make a lot of noise. Lift the bonnet up and .. hang on... thats a K series in there. But its a most curious setup. Look at the picture carefully. Okay, so your initial reactions are probably the same as mine were: we're talking Jenvey direct to head throttle bodies, Bernard Scouse cold air box, DTA management with DVA ported head, Piper 872 cams and a nice EBD manifold. Don't be fooled though.... look before you leap as they say......this K series hasn't got any of that stuff on it. Theres a decent sized battery there though and although on first glance it looks like an apollo tank, you do get a screenwash reservoir with the car.

So perhaps on balance the car is not 100% all bad. At least it has a decent engine in it despite that fact that its running less than half the power it should be. Of course you could tune it but I would seriously recommend that you dont because the interior and handling of the car will need tens of thousands in the way of upgrades as well. Also, Rover offer very little in the way of styling upgrades so you really are stuck with that abhorrent body. I suppose www.eliseparts.com could cook up some wings, skirts and a nice splitter for the car but again, cost would be the limiting factor.

So what's the verdict. Well for this review there isn't one. The car just comes with a big warning, avoid at all costs is the phrase I am looking for especially when for this money you can have a brand new Golf, a Seat Leon, an Audi A2, a nice Peugot or even add a few thousand and get that Civic type R.